by: Nova Giovanni
Hello, loyal reader. There is much debate in the human community about what a man should do to his lady in the bedroom. With that in mind, I present to you the Bedroom Files. This will be a compilation of sex-related articles presented to you by a sex guru by the name of Nova Giovanni.
Bedroom Files: Volume 1 – Lick Her Crack For A Late Night Snack
I know this may be a touchy subject for some. It may be a sexually invigorating subject for others. The taboo topic of licking your girlfriend’s butt. Licking ass. Tossing salad. First of all, some say that it is ‘gay’. I beg to differ. How can an act a man performs on a woman be considered homosexual? (But, don’t let her play around your anus AT ALL. If her hand accidentally slides down there while she attempts to grip your buttocks during missionary position sex – you HAVE to headbutt her! Don’t think about it, just do it!!! More than 3 seconds with a finger within 6 inches of your anus will turn you gay instantly. I heard it in a Bishop Eddie Long Sermon). Now, lets lay down some ground rules:
- You can’t put your mouth on every woman you date. This is reserved solely for your Queen, not the damsels loitering around your castle.
- Her hygiene must be up to par. She must be fresh out of the shower and smell like juice & berries.
- You must not make this a regular practice. It should be reserved for special occasions such as birthdays, Valentine’s day, new job, her being quiet while you watch the game, etc.
I know you’re wondering WHY you would want to perform such an act on your Queen. If you’re wondering this, you most likely have a dysfunctional relationship. This is about PLEASING her. You may say, “she’s not into that”. But, how do you know? Have you tried it on her? No? She’s probably cheating on you with that butt licking deacon at church that is always grinning at her from the pulpit on Sundays. Why do you think your dog licks its own butt for 2 hours a day? Because it feels GOOD! Thats why! When you start doing things to please your woman, she’ll go out of her way to please you more. Is she leaving dishes in the sink? Its because you’re not licking her ass! Is she not separating your light and dark clothes when she does laundry, leaving all your white clothes pink? Lick her ass, Cam’ron!
Face it, you’re supposed to lick her butt. Why do you think they look like buns when she’s laying on her side? Its a reminder that its edible and a rich source of fiber. You may wonder, “how do I bring it up to her that I want to lick her butt?”. The answer is, YOU DON’T!!! JUST DO IT!!! Bend her over one night, start eating her from the back, inspect her anus for dingleberries and then slide your tongue to her poop shooter. Close your eyes and gently eat (lick, not actually EAT) her butt like the Last Supper. Your sex game is now advanced, young disciple. Tongue kiss her RIGHT after you’re done so she can never call you “shitty mouth” without talking about herself also.
The days immediately after, you should notice a change in her behavior. She’s probably smiling more. She’s told all of her friends about the whole experience and they won’t share lipstick with her any more. Your whole lives are changing for the better because you took a leap of faith and decided to taste.
Girlfriends, pass this on to your boyfriends. Boyfriends, pass this on to your fathers and save your parents’ marriage. Just try not to pass on hepatitis in the process. Nova Knows…
I Love You,
Twitter – @NovaGiovanni
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